Friend or Foe

Throughout my life, I have heard over and over, "You are the company you keep", "Don't you realize you are defined by your friends," "they are bad influences," and "Seriously, you know them?" I have finally come to realize, only I, can define ME! The ones most people judge, or the ones people just can't seem to love, ARE ON MY FRIEND LIST AS WELL! (No matter anyones else's opinion!)

Has the view ever been taken, that just maybe, I am the good influence on their bad! That by me making an effort to get to know them, love them, and befriend them, I can help them see their own beauty, their own truths, and their own inspirations on this world. That that ripple of just one friendship can create a wave of individuality, self expression, and someone being loved for exactly who they are- without judgements. As long as I stand by who I am, what I believe, and my individual morals, I can give love to everyone, no matter what, and still not lose sight of who "I" am. They can learn not only to receive love, but to give it back as well!

I determine the brightness of my own light, hopefully, it will consume them, and they too can light a new flame in their lives, and then pass it on in the form of LOVE UNCONDITIONAL!



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LOVE vs LOGIC

Well most people can probably figure out that I am a very logical person. Its true. I think alot but feel as little as possible! Ok not feel per say but emotional stuff is not my best attribute!! I think that everything in life has a logical explanation!
Well as you can imagine I have a had HUGE life lesson to learn that this is NOT true!
 Everything in life DOES not have logical explanations.
We face situations in life that defy logic, that are purely emotional. Its funny I realized that I actually surrounded myself with friends who are emotional life dwellers(HAHA-that sounds so funny) but they are. They feel their way through life completely with very little logic involved. I find this so odd because I am exactly the opposite!
It seems there are no accidents and these people were definitely placed in my life for a reason. SO I COULD LEARN what they know!!
What do they know-they aren't logical?
Well they know how to love. Unconditionally without thought or concern for themselves.
They know how to be vulnerable and accepting of love and not worry about the heartache that MIGHT happen.
They know how to believe and hope for tomorrow and for love and for solutions.
They have faith in things unseen because they feel it, not because they KNOW it.
They know how to hurt and how to experience and let the hurt in and how to process and release it. They know how to ask for help when they are hurting and how to accept that help.
They know how to accept their emotions with no conditions just taking them as they are and moving on with them.
Yes I have learned alot from my emotional counterpart's. I appreciate these lessons and as I reflect more on these difference I shall in fact write some more. I find it fascinating the difference between logic and love.
If you have followed this blog you know that I have dealt with secondary infertility-yes there is a label-not infertility but secondary-since I have children-although it was NOT easy to get them here either! However, after 8 years of no babies, I am still not completely healed from the pain of NO!

Clearly the answer is NO about me having more children, I do not know why and apparently the lesson is in that. That I do not know why. No matter how much I want a logical explanation, there is not one to find. No matter how badly I want to understand a flaw in myself or something I did wrong to deserve this or how much I want to be mad at God for making this happen-it will not change any of this, and there is no logical way to fix it. It just is!
It just is!
Is it possible that there is such a thing as, JUST IS!!
I have decided there must be things in life that just happen-and you cannot explain it away in order to make yourself feel better. You just have to accept that it is how it is and deal with the situation and emotions and move on. Otherwise you will be bitter and hardened.
I know because I have spent a few years trying so hard to become un-bitter and it is not easy.
I believe that it is only now that I am starting to see that the bitterness inside of me is mine to deal with on an emotional level that sometimes crying clears our eyes out so we can see clearly what is in front of us. I have figured out that pouring your heart out to someone and not just paper really does help to put things into perspective. I have learned that it is OK TO HURT! It is ok to be sad, it is ok to be in emotional pain, it is ok to be weak, it is ok to be vulnerable, it is ok to feel!!! IT is ok to FEEL it really is ok to FEEL!!!! If you understood what a huge weight that is off my shoulders, to understand that I have given myself the right to feel and to be sad and to be weak and to be vulnerable-to let down some of these guards and to start to show pieces of my heart to the world, if you understood what a relief that is. It is so hard to always be the rock, the strong one-sometimes I am just not strong and sometimes I don't want to be.
I have learned that Love does NOT fix everything-neither does logic Love does not pay the bills, but love does give us hope for our tomorrows and the ability to hold on to that hope and let go of the fear! Logic pays the bills, logic satisfies the mind for an answer, logic can answer so many questions but it does not give you hope for tomorrow-it may give you directions on how to achieve things tomorrow but not the hope that you will arrive! Love gives you hope!!! Love gives you freedom!!! Love and logic-there is a balance that needs to be met and I am on my way to finding that balance!!!! I will let you know when I get there!!!
Blessings
Niki B
















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When life hands you lemons-throw em you will feel better!!!

Life, yep life! Yeah I am blogging again-I cant help it a month of pent up thoughts here they come!

So I wrote about challnges last month and how I dont have problems! WELL let me tell you-the universe has decided to test that theory to the very edge of my sanity LOL!!! Isnt that how it always goes-you hear things like, "When it rains, it pours" well dear heavens some one open the flood gates on my household this past couple of weeks LOL!
Whats funny is I could sit here and try to be all sweet and pretend like I am totally calm and collected about it-but I would be lying and you would know it!
I swear I have wondered if I am not cursed this past couple of weeks!! HAHA
Some one asked my why I laughed about it all
Well I am either gonna laugh or cry and neither one is gonna fix anything-but laughing just feels better to my soul!!
So I laugh!
AND laugh
AND laugh
AND laugh
I am still laughing LOL!!
I really don't see another choice!!
My husband the cockeyed optimist that he is, is really trying to help me focus on the fact that everything will work out!
So I am going to laugh until it does LOL!!!!!!
In reality sometimes I do feel so bogged down by, "stuff" and is just "stuff" I mean we have food and a roof and transportation and health insurance and jobs ect... so it really is just, "stuff" and getting all worked up and bent out of shape over, "stuff" is silly! But I still do-I don't think its the, "stuff" that affects me, I think its the feeling of out of control-the feeling that my world, my universe is spinning out of control and I cant stop it or control it! I think that is where I get frustrated-sometimes there is just no logical explination as to why things are happening the way they are-and trying to blame it on a curse, well thats me looking for logic haha!
There is not logic sometimes-its just broke, "stuff" its just "stuff" that goes wrong or doesn't go as planned but aside from not being in complete control of the, "stuff" there really isn't any thing else to get bent out of shape over!!
This is a hard lesson for me-
I have elephants all over my house-I love them-I sort of find myself in them-well there actions anyway
elephants are huge-to us they seem sooooo huge they can pull trees up by the roots and they can stomp a human
they can be as gentle and as loving toward a human as well, they can carry a human and they can toss a human-boy there are days I wish I could do that-OH did i just say that-oops shhhh!!!
But with all that strength and all the courage if you place a mouse in their path they freak out-stand on the hind legs scream and have a holy fit-they will run and knock over anything that gets in their way-and why?
Because of a tiny, mouse-a mouse that is a .001th of the size of an adult elephant!!!!
The elephant who can do so many amazing feats and yet one little teeny tiny animal will just throw an elephant in to a major melt down!
Well that is me!!!! I am exactly like that-I will plow thru anything the harder the situation, the tougher I am. The more emotional the situation the more I have to prove a bunch of little bitty things thrown at me at once and I freak-I wanna run and stampede and have a fit and scream!!!! Yep, that is def me and def a spot where I need to keep working to realize that in those times that the things I am soooo worried about and so worked up over are soooo minute in the scope of the things and that if I can work through the big stuff I can def work through the lil stuff, the teeny tiny stuff!!!
I can do this! HEAD UP, BREATHE-I CAN DO THIS!!!!






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Judge

Well, its been a while since anyone has blogged on here-and it seems I am the only one as of late to put my thoughts out there for disection! Oh well here I go again!
SO I have been thinking a lot! I do that A LOT!! Which I suspect is why I have this blog!
I digress
Judging, we have heard the term used several times and its typically in a religious sector of some sort!  I find it fascinating that we find it so wrapped up in religion when spiritual growth comes from NOT judging! HMM fascinating, Jesus was hated by the religious leaders of his day for talking and having dinner with sinners-ewwww how awful of him!
It makes sense i suppose I am sure that you can have a dramatic affect on someones life while standing way atop your pedestal-that is until it falls-and it will!!!
I find myself annoyed and irritated with those types-but then I realized something I am now judging them!!!
MAN it is SOOOOO easy to do-when you think someone is "wrong" and it bugs you-it is so easy to push them aside and label them and then avoid them-but I am no better than they are by trying to avoid them. I can't change them by acting like them-the only way I can show them how to NOT judge is by NOT judging them and that means I have to understand that they do not understand their ways yet and that the divine will give me an appropriate time and means to give them the answers that the divine wants them to have-and I cant do that if i am busy judging them-I cant hear what the message is or when to deliver it(if ever) if I am so busy running internal messages through my head about them!!
WOW-talk about a look in the mirror! We are all human and we are struggle with human-ness and human emotions-and that includes the superiority complex! IT is SOOO easy to do-especially when you are passionate about what you feel, do and say-so here is me-stepping out on the NON judgmental foot about people who are lost in the world of religion and are trying to find spiritualness-I know where to find it-but I have to get to know them well enough to share with them my MAP and that requires NO JUDGMENTS!!





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